Have you ever wondered why people leave their countries? Why do they abandon their families and friends? Why do teenagers want to move abroad for studies? Why do they want to have a fresh start somewhere else?
It was finally this moment, the time I had waited for since I went to the first grade of high school. I was going to graduate soon, so it was time to make life-changing decisions. Every day, I had the feeling that I must choose a degree and my future university. I was surrounded by scientific nerds; everybody knew where they were going after high school. Everybody knew which university they would be studying at and which career they were going to pursue. In the middle of this crowd, there was me without any idea what I should do and where I should go. I had been wondering why 18-year-old kids know what they want to do in the future, and I still struggled to choose a meal for dinner. Why is it so easy for my friends to decide about everything? Can you imagine a teenager who knows exactly what is going on in adulthood? No? Me neither.
Perhaps you think that choosing the place of living, university, and degree was a slow process in my case. I considered every option and carefully picked one. Guess what? This was the most spontaneous decision in my life. I remember that day perfectly. I was sitting at the family table; it was Christmas Eve. I looked at my mom, who was laughing at my uncle’s joke, my brother was talking with my grandma about his fulfilling job, my granddad tried to figure out how to turn the TV on, and auntie was shouting at my little cousins because they had eaten too many ginger cookies. The enthusiastic atmosphere was overwhelming along with bothersome thoughts about the near future. After eating 20 Christmas meatballs, my mom started showing childhood pictures from the family photo album. I noticed myself in one of them. The picture was grey and old, the background was blurred, but in the foreground, I noticed little me. I was standing on the runway and staring at the departing plane. Suddenly, one thought crossed my confused mind. What would happen if I moved abroad for studies? What if I left everything behind and started living once again? Is it responsible to take such a huge step toward independence?
Time went by, and I moved abroad after all. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Was it worth it? Difficult question. Imagine yourself in a new country, a new city, with new streets and coffee places around every corner. Imagine yourself in a new school with a completely different system than you are familiar with, new exams to pass, and assignments to submit. Imagine yourself far away from your family and hometown friends, just you and your thoughts. Imagine yourself in a new job, with new responsibilities and requirements. How would you feel? Overwhelmed or excited? Stressed or calm? Free or lonely? Would you feel that everything depends on you or that everything attacks you from all angles?
I have been asking these questions myself more often than I would like to. In the beginning, I felt free as hell. My mom does not tell me to clean my room or wash the dishes. My dad does not yell at me when I come back home from the party an hour later than he expects. I do not argue with my brother about whose turn it is to do groceries. I do not have to tell how my day was every afternoon when I get back from school. I do not have to do my homework and complain about it to my classmate during our daily FaceTime call. But what if all these small conversations and arguments matter the most? What if all these usually unnoticeable parts of the day create a feeling of safety and peace? What if these insignificant things create the stability and predictability that we need?
I was aware that moving abroad would affect my relationships with family and friends. But there is one aspect of it that makes me miss my home even more. The inability to attend family dinners, casual conversations, regular shopping, and birthday parties. You skip these small events that make you a part of a community. You do not understand the inside jokes among friends who stayed in their hometown. You do not keep up with your friends’ stories about uni because you have never met people from their schools. You do not listen to your brother’s crazy stories when he comes back from a party. You do not visit your grandma just to try her new cookie recipe. You are not present in the lives of your loved ones anymore. Time flies differently in a new and old reality. But does it mean that you are fading from their lives? Are you becoming a past? Are you selfish because you left everyone behind? Can you be blamed for choosing an alternative way of dealing with your future?
Time went by, and I decided to stay abroad a bit longer. All the doubts and all the questions are still looking for their answers. However, there is one memory that I recall every time I want to pack my clothes and buy a ticket to my country. I was sitting with my family on the couch. We were contemplating my departure and decisions I had made. Suddenly, my grandma asked out loud, “How can you know that you are ready for studying abroad? What if something goes wrong?” Before I had a chance to reply, my brother interrupted and said, “She will never be ready for it, but she has enough courage to take a risk and try. What if everything goes well?” I did not say much at that time. However, his words pop into my mind from time to time and remind me that there are some people who stop themselves from doing things only because of the fear of “failure.”
I believe that there is no such thing as failure. If you put in effort and do your best, you can only learn from the mistakes. It is not a failure but more a lesson that builds your character. Because, what if nothing is as scary as we think it is? What if you must challenge yourself to discover your true capabilities? What if it is necessary to make ridiculous decisions to be unbeatable in the future? Maybe once in your lifetime it is obligatory to get out of your comfort zone and believe in yourself?
My dear readers, I am leaving all these questions with you. As always, I encourage you to share your thoughts and opinions in the comments below. Maybe you have also moved to another country. Maybe you also need some faith that at the end of the day you will be fine. Moreover, I am attaching another poem, but this time it is about the significance of a place that I call home.
See you soon, my dear reader.
“Within the Walls” Aleksandra Binkowska
When I look from a distance, I can only notice ordinary ground. Underneath the ground, worms and snails live their ordinary lives. On the ground is a usual, old house, which feels more like a home than a construction, built many years ago. There are walls and floors, nothing special. The colors are the same as thirty years ago, the doors have deep scratches, and the mirror is cracked in the same corner as usual.
From a distance, visitors cannot see what was happening inside the walls. They cannot remember how many smiles those walls witnessed. How many tiny toes those floors used to carry. How many laughs the windows prevented from disappearing. I clearly remember this place, this ground, and the people who had transformed a house into a home. It was not a quick transformation but a gradual one. A place where every conversation was a meaningful lesson, which brought a new perspective to my life. A place where I could hide. Firstly, from the frustrated grandfather who could not find his pocketknife. Secondly, from heavy raindrops and terrifying storms that had come from another village. The walls were like a shelter where I could feel guarded when a war was about to start. And the floors were like blankets when I did not know where else to go.
The place became empty. All the screams, laughs, and cries sank into the ground. All the steps blended into the stairs, and smiles became visible only in the family pictures. Even though everything passed, all memories stayed inside this home and underneath the ground. The closest family constantly gathers its thoughts and memories on different grounds. They laugh, smile, and raise their children within different walls and on different floors. However, my place contains memories of every person who has ever touched that ground.